I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
