____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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