I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
