my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize