dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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