i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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