Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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