i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
