I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
