I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
