My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
