I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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