Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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