around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I need to sanitize my soul.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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