dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
