You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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