If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Randomize
