I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
