If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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