I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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