If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize