Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
