Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
