I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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