you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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