Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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