i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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