I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
