you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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