I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
