Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You did what with his pubic hair?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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