oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
