I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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