If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Houston, we have a squirter
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
