guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
