dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize