True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
