I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
