Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
