omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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