Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
