My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
