Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I wish there were birth control emojis
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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