WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
