I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
