And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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