Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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