Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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