I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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