I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you traded sex for a burrito?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
