Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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