omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
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