i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
