This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
