using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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