I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
