I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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