We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
