Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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