I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
